Mr. Bobbys World: Heart And Mind

Heart And Mind

The reason i created this blog was originally to help me get over the last biggest relationship i had and attempt to save myself. and i did. and now its where i go to really share me. who i am. what i love doing. This blog is me. The true me.

Blog-Life are simply the pages to your autobiography. ~ Mr. Bobby

Someone who fits me:

Smeone who makes me happy, who inspires me, who pushes me to be a better person, who excites me with new things constantly, someone who is looking for something in her life as well and I can return that same inspiration in whatever she likes. Someone who can make me laugh and gets my stupid jokes. Someone who has characteristics that colmpliment mine. She doesn't need to be pretty in anyones else's eyes because she will be perfect in mine. Someone who can relax with me by playing video games, reading a book or creating art. Someone who loves to cook with me and always wants to cooking different foods. Someone who likes to go out to different places and try new food. Someone who likes going to different types of venues, events, shows,. Someone who makes me want to dance not just stand around and drink.Someone who loves movies!!

Things i Say :|

"Communication is key to any good relationship: friendship, relationship, mother ship lol. if you have a problem say something, if your happy say something, if you miss someone say something. quite hours of just sitting there next to each other, no words no thoughts just distractions. Are you even friends or simply mannequins accompanying? human vibrators? momentary body pillows? Express yourself and be willing to listen to the others reaction with open ears. even telling the other person simply about your day. Don't remember that one in a long time. lol. What happens when there are years between you two? are you settling don't you deserve to feel happy? don't you deserve to feel..... and express those emotions or any emotions? sometimes just to share your emotions is a challenge. I don't know just thinking not about myself, not about anyone else, just about life. perhaps why i have honestly become a professional at doing things on my own. I do things i find fun, exciting, entertaining, and mind provoking. I guess I've found the best relationship in myself.

"Real talk with talking people saying real things that make me think too real" ~ Mr. Boobby

"To fall in love is easy. To fall out of love is hard. So leave unrequited love behind. live on and love on to new love. ~Mr. Bobby"

"Her eyes dug through me as if searching for answers for questions I've never been asked. Pulling subtle movements as replies to her little spies."

"Disappear in a cloud of smoke don't choke. It's life full of strife. All that fake all that break. All that mental shake. Take away this steak through my heart. Take away this garlic around your hug . It's fare this stare you glare with that you won't forgive or look past. Closed ears and drink more beers because this isn't being near. I get it . I've seen it, I've dreamt it , I've lived it, I hate it. Why is it? But it is..... Always"

"Slowly I disappear as if i never existed,
never created.
i disappear from the lack of fight.
you push me down and make me hide.
i don't know how to return to what i once was.
i just wait for you to make the decision.
you don't understand that your actions alter mine.
i wait.
I cannot be the one with hate.
for that maybe the the reason you have been here for so long no matter what you have done.
if you truely knew how to be a friend maybe it didn't have to be the end."

"lonely is this heart that yearns for its blood. pump pump but its done done. Kalima! take my life out like a flood."

"I might be a bitch but your a mega bitch and that is worse because i put mega in it. haha dun dun dun..... You are Godzilla wrecking everything in front of it. I am Mothra, bitches worship me" ~Mr. Bobby

"why do mexicans love KORN? mmmmmm....... corn......"  ~Mr. Bobby

"Tank = Fish Sticks" ~Mr. Bobby

"I dreamt of snow and deader things.
No leaves no greens of none i see.
colors only dull and drear.
of mysteries none here nor there.
I search for queens and fallen kings,
but empty seats are left for me.
An end to this are none i fear,
just miles of empty room to stare."
~Mr. Bobby

"your pictures drop knives down my throat cutting my heart in two" ~Mr. Bobby

"start living in your own filth and you will know how low you have gone" ~Mr. Bobby

"you can read the title and never know the story" ~Mr. Bobby

"Friendship life savers spill into open mouth sea. Chomp, chomp. Bites bites" ~Mr. Bobby

"Life smashes your face into concrete truths. Bleed for me bitch bleed for me" ~Mr. Bobby

"i'm like a empty battery i need to be recharged with positive energy" ~Mr. Bobby

"Revolving shouts repeating stains. Internal bouts impeding gains" ~Mr. Bobby

" lets spit out our emotional discharge! Fuck bars and walls we build to sound sane. Destroy to create our selves and present truths." ~Mr. Bobby

"live what you love, love what you live" ~Mr. Bobby

"i fight my inner most feelings with feather swords and non-existent shields. stay away heart beast! your flames will not reach me. I am strong. I've beat you down over and over. I will not give up!" ~Mr. Bobby

"so near to the edge i just might break. there's no mistake I've had all i can take. tick tock sick of this shock. never knew this much hate but now its way to late." ~Mr. Bobby

"why do ghosts haunt with chains of love" ~Mr. Bobby

"you put my heart into a snoopy waffle maker" ~Mr. Bobby

"i break down. i let walls fall. where did i place that brick. where did all the cement go. your supposed to see this billboard child but instead you see beyond. they call me bob the builder because i'm always building this wall every time it falls :(" ~Mr. Bobby

"q: what does the cashier say to the baldman. a: you have topay" ~Mr. Bobby

"you were a momentary brain cork but now dislodged the aged wine pores. gushing all those perfect moments while leaving the regret stuck to the bottom of my bottle. perhaps cutting off the crust would empty me/bottle for new (sparkling wine) lol ~Mr. Bobby

"I've donated years of clothes and books that occupied my residence with no remorse. they may have deserved a spiritual burning but never waste what can be used by those who are lost and naked. Their absence leave fields of open space ready for beautiful ideas, inspirational people, creative moments in time, and a numerous possibilities of adventures and stories that stay in this camp. all this yearning for goals reached and explosion of being can finally be accomplished. No more i want, i wish, i need, i loved, i was, i could have; I will now or I am fake to myself."

The Real Blog Begins.

Saturday September 28th

Strangely enough i started talking to H again. I've wanted to for so long. I hold myself back from saying too much even though I've already said too much. lol. I'm just happy to have her back in my life in at least the texting back and forth once in a while. I missed her so fucking much. Most of this blog has been about her or purple. I do wish she would talk to me more. I've been trying to open up a lot so that maybe she will feel ok to open up to me more and she has. I know she has trusted me with some really deep things she is going through. It means soooo much to be able to tell someone something you're going through. I honestly don't remember the last time i've been able to trust anyone like that. ...

I think its because i've just started accepting all this good positive energy into my life more. I do have to stop questioning everything more and just accept what is. i keep trying to calm myself down but honestly this being sober thing is a lot harder than it seems at times. i can only hope it is going to get easier over time.

I started to want to avoid everything again because i got depressed over all this bad luck that's been happening. I just started making music again. well more like editing and re recording again. I really wish i was alone more to do it though. i don't like practicing when people are here. but alex needs to rest and sleep and we have no walls.... I do miss living alone. Maybe thats one of the things i need to change but it is nice having someone to actually talk to. I don't go around posting on facebook as much and thats probably good. lol...... Next week i'm seriously going to start to focus again. Now that i have cameras and new locks i feel safer. plus everyone is going to finally close the damn door downstairs so noone breaks in again.... it had to be someone I know that knows i live up here.. i'm so pissed off and still feel lied to and violated. I honestly still think it was that one guy I tried to help out for one night because he needed a place to run away to. I just know it. but whatever. my place is secure again and i have cool cameras and locks.

I told ryan and sam i wanted to perform a song at asylum. i'm scared and don't think i'm ready because I haven't performed and sang in front of anyone in so long but thats kinda the reason i want to do it because i haven't in so long. I"m not ready. lol. maybe if i do it i should just do it behind the dj booth. to get it out of my system first. i don't even remember the lyrics very well. I just want to do it so i can get it out of me. to prove it to myself that i can do it.

to be continued....


Saturday August 3rd

going through the motions. life is great and just ok all at the same time. i understand others reactions and interactions etc with myself and vice versa. i keep wanting to just pull away from everyone and I do. Do i really actually like anyone anymore? I'm turning to the point where i just want to work and create stuff with everyone without any kind of romantic relationship. Just trying my hardest to find friends to get a long with me. It's easier than actually giving anyone a piece of me and my heart. I get to the point i just want to have fun with anyone who will accept me. take me, hold me, kiss me, touch me, tell me all the nice things i've needed for so long. when berlin told me she will forever love me that felt so fucking amazing. because i felt it. i believed it. i know its not the love be with love but love saved her life love. but it was so close to feeling real love that it felt amazing. I don't want to die never knowing that someone actually loves me. I don't want to give up even though i say it in my head too many times. I need to do something with my life before i give up. i keep waiting for these wave of gigs die down so i can just close off and work on music again. will that make me happy? will all of the songs be about how i want something with people who don't want me? I don't even know what will come out of me anymore. I miss affection but i can't give my affection to anyone who i think would want to much from me. I just wish i could find someone who is like me in some ways. I need a artist, musician, creator, lover, and all that i am. someone i could really share everything with. I so want that so badly. I just want to share my everything but i can't find anyone who actually wants it and has that same thing to share. Find me my star. I'm here my star. I only see others like me but they don't like me or want to get to know me. get to know me. talk to me. talk to me. listen to me. hear me. talk to me.
Life is the search for someone who loves to listen to you talk and talks because you love to listen.


Thursday April 4th. 2019
Didn't realize it's been this long since I've written in here. A lots happened but today I've been broken up with from a partnership.. wasn't given a deep conversation of why or anything simply I need space after a few days of not talking to me. I'm pretty upset because I know I didn't do anything wrong and this person simply keeps and will not stop comparing me to her ex boyfriend who apparently seriously scarred her. I have not and would not be given the proper chance till she understands I'm a different person. I've had to push my own life aside to try to constantly help her. That's not how a relationship should work. So.... Alone again. I know people like me but I think I want to be single for a long time again. So stupid. I know I compare a lot of people to Hannah. Have four a long time. But I tried to accept others for different faults and strengths. Different ways to overcome and come together. But I can't if I'm the only one. And let's be honest to myself it's always been like that.  Should really try to focus on doing what I love doing and what's ahead showed me love in return. Music. My love my life. Music my baby, my wife. Music. myself. my own. Music


Monday, October 30th, 2017

I don't deny i've gone through a lot in my life. fell for people who were bad for me and tried to keep those connections in one way or another ultimately hurting my mental state. Why? because i didn't want to be alone. So much older now and yes i still get lonely but i guess you grow to deal with it. to utilize that pain and create art, something that speaks you. I know so many girls have fallen for me but it wasn't my road i wanted to travel. I didn't want to be someone else's savior because i was still saving myself. so i tried my hardest to keep everyone as friends first. I've been telling people open up your life to positivity, love and happiness in one way or form and just be happy with that momentary satisfaction. Don't push it away constantly or yes you will grow up to be a much older person alone and yes sad sometimes. I've had to raise myself for so long making mistake after mistake. I guess what my power now is to learn what i deserve and how i can help others find that in themselves too. when i was younger i used to tell myself I don't want to be like my parents or my brothers. giving all that love and then to have it taken away or just misstreated. Now maybe i understand that it was maybe what we needed at that time to make us now. I know i wasn't ready back then because i didn't know what love was. Early teen boys thinking sex is love. lol. no. Love is what i try to give to everyone now, to my friends, to my family, to strangers, and first and mostly to myself. That last one I didn't do because i wanted to make everyone else happy first. that was my most recent mistake of an attempt at love. tried to make everyone happy. lol. Always trying to be Mister Super Bobby. Sometimes i think maybe it is too late for me and i should just settle with anyone who cares. I know I've been lucky to have so many people want to give me physical love as well as emotionally love. I've haven't tried to force love but I am ready and willing to accept Love from someone i believe i deserve. someone who listens, calmly talks about our problems, tells me they miss me, they appreciate me. It's weird being me now. I just give out love, to everyone. I had to travel to other states to really even understand this part of my life. I want to travel again. I know i've gotten those moments when i reminisced and just thought about people i shouldn't. I don't know where i was going with all this. I just saw the movie Passengers. I don't feel like i'm me just a passenger. I'm on a ride to figure out where the destination will lead me. I'm not even trying to get myself booked anymore because i want to learn how to use all this gear I've wanted for so long. I want to to be the thing i love. The part of me that i love and i need to bring out. Need to stop focusing on trying to help everyone else out even though i know in my heart that some actually do need my help because they are my friends and they helped me get here. I was so lonely till I had them. I'm so worried about them. ultimately wanting them to make their own decisions but giving them whatever knowledge i can on the way. Thats all i can do. I need to love myself again....... I deserve equal love, support, affection, inspiration...... a new connection I may have never understood before. I know i haven't, not until recently.


Tuesday, September 12th 2017

so where am i now. not sad about not having anyone to hold or kiss or love, yes i get lonely but not the same loneliness. now its the i gave up loneliness. the i know i'll never find someone so why even care loneliness. I don't miss anyone. I don't care about anyone. i do like some girls but never get to spend any quality time with anyone that i would actually have fun doing things with them. not like before. i miss good conversations. i miss having things in common that drove us. but it doesn't bother anymore like it did. yes i'm writing this but its because its more of a realization. now what i miss is time to get to do everything i like doing for myself. that makes me happy. but i need money too. really just have to keep enjoying this time to think and actually do all those things. i need to stop wasting time on promoting the biggest issue. i should just rely on boosts. but then thats more money. of course. friday is blacklights 6 year anniversary and i'm extremely excited. for real. but i know its just going to be me walking around streaming, drinking by myself, watching everyone else enjoy themselves. funny i kinda did like someone who had similar tastes and inspirations as me. the only problem is that she seems to have to many issues that she is still dealing with and maybe trying to find anyone to latch on to? but seems like thats every girl i meet now. i'm so disapointed with my friend m going with barfey. but thats her choice and everyone warned her and already he is talking shit to everyone on her phone. what a douche bag. whatever. can only do so much. you can only help those who want to be helped.

whats important right now? I want to get patio for my party but derek is being mia. and thats not helping. need to get this all out now if we are going to throw a party. i'm not about to loose money or go crazy promoting one or two weeks and then be charged money by a venue. I don't know why he is being so difficult. so maybe i should just spend my money on things i want rather than a party? maybe i should ask that online and someone has a venue for me?


may 25 th 2017

I'm sorry i fell in love with you. i didn't mean to. I'm sorry i wanted to spend all my time smiling and laughing because of  how you made me feel. I'm sorry i wanted to help you as much as I could to help you follow your dreams because your smile made me happy. I'm sorry i embarrassed myself by singing all those songs about how much i love you and was sad without you. I should have listened to what you told me and understood that we could just be friends.  I hope you can forgive me.


Thursday August 11th

Finally time to be alone and think and think. ugh how i missed this. i miss living alone. i miss living in a clean house. i wish i could just speak up!!!! I'm so fucking scared of fucking saying anything now. Have you ever lived your life being terrified to talk to someone or run into them? thats me now. thats me i literally can't fucking leave my house now. i have people who want to hang out and they tell me where to go but now i can't go out alone anymore. i was doing great going out fine alone before but now something broke inside me. I don't know how to fix it. I really really want and need more me free time at home. i want to be able to create shit again. i feel like i dont have any time for me to breath. Now when i go out i just stand there to fucking scared and afraid literally to talk to people. they come up to me all the time and say hi and all these good amazing affirmations but i can't fucking for the fucking life of me say hello to them. what the fuck has happened to me. i'm so fucking scared to interact now? even with friends maybe too? to the point that maybe i'm loosing some friends.

its like life is just forcing me to talk to her and i can't... i fucking can't. i'm always in the same fucking thread, people ask me to dj the same parties, people ask me to bring gear for the parties where she is playing. i'm so fucking happy and glad that all my hard work and hers put her in this place but the only way i was ever able to get over all the shit that happened in the past was to avoid her and run away and never have to see her anymore because she didn't exist anymore. she was just a part of my fake tvshow life that never happened. but it never goes away. it never stops. i just keep getting reminded over and over of so much shit. me being used, me being convinced at love again. nooone knows how fucking hard it was for me to accept anyone's love after fucking purple. i almost killed myself and am still fucking feeling all this shit with my body that i'm trying to not drink for a fucking week so i can feel good again. yeah so to everyone it seems like i'm a fucking mess and that i feel everything to much well fuck you sir because life has taken a big shit on me. but i keep fucking going but right now i don't know whats wrong. i'm stuck. i'm stuck. i was doing great. i'm stuck.


July 28th 2016

Communication is key to any good relationship: friendship, relationship, mother ship lol. if you have a problem say something, if your happy say something, if you miss someone say something. quite hours of just sitting there next to each other, no words no thoughts just distractions. Are you even friends or simply mannequins accompanying? human vibrators? momentary body pillows? Express yourself and be willing to listen to the others reaction with open ears. even telling the other person simply about your day. Don't remember that one in a long time. lol. What happens when there are years between you two? are you settling don't you deserve to feel happy? don't you deserve to feel..... and express those emotions or any emotions? sometimes just to share your emotions is a challenge. I don't know just thinking not about myself, not about anyone else, just about life. perhaps why i have honestly become a professional at doing things on my own. I do things i find fun, exciting, entertaining, and mind provoking. I guess I've found the best relationship in myself.

(i wrote this after a long conversation with my friend about what they are going through in their relationship. It made me think of my lifetime of relationships.)


I miss and need me time. my roomate doesn't have a job and just makes a mess. he has started to slightly clean but he makes more mess than he cleans. I don't think he even wants to find a job. I might have to kick him out. I think i'm only enabling his laziness by giving him a place to stay that is dirt cheap already so he should be trying to help more because its so cheap. I'm starting to think its affecting me.

There is a girl who likes me and i enjoy having someone kiss me, hug me, miss me, and all those things but in all honesty you know i need time for myself. I need to become productive again and i Know i've just been staying home feeling nice but not doing anything. I'm not trying to jump into anything just because i've been so lonely and sad for so long. lately i haven't gone to bars. doesn't help that i was in a thread that H basically said we don't need anything from you. I just tried to help my other friends not her. but now i feel like i can't go out anywhere because i feel like i'm in the way or unwanted. even though everyone makes me feel loved so much. I'm just so fucked in the head now. to much to deal with in my life. always trying to fix myself. i know i need help. i need a psychiatrist.


this past is in the past. forgive and let go.