Blog-Life are simply the pages to your autobiography. ~ Mr. Bobby
Someone who fits me:
Someone who makes me happy, who inspires me, who pushes me to be a better person, who excites me with new things constantly, someone who is looking for something in her life as well, and I can return that same inspiration in whatever she likes. Someone who can make me laugh and get my stupid jokes. Someone who has characteristics that complement mine. She doesn't need to be pretty in anyone else's eyes because she will be perfect in mine. Someone who can relax with me by playing video games, reading a book, or creating art. Someone who loves to cook with me and always wants to cook different foods. Someone who likes to go out to different places and try new food. Someone who likes going to different types of venues, events, shows,. Someone who makes me want to dance not just stand around and drink.Someone who loves movies!!
Things i Say :|
"Communication is key to any good relationship: friendship, relationship, mother ship lol. if you have a problem say something, if your happy say something, if you miss someone say something. quite hours of just sitting there next to each other, no words no thoughts just distractions. Are you even friends or simply mannequins accompanying? human vibrators? momentary body pillows? Express yourself and be willing to listen to the others reaction with open ears. even telling the other person simply about your day. Don't remember that one in a long time. lol. What happens when there are years between you two? are you settling don't you deserve to feel happy? don't you deserve to feel..... and express those emotions or any emotions? sometimes just to share your emotions is a challenge. I don't know just thinking not about myself, not about anyone else, just about life. perhaps why i have honestly become a professional at doing things on my own. I do things i find fun, exciting, entertaining, and mind provoking. I guess I've found the best relationship in myself.
"Real talk with talking people saying real things that make me think too real" ~ Mr. Boobby
"To fall in love is easy. To fall out of love is hard. So leave unrequited love behind. live on and love on to new love. ~Mr. Bobby"
"Her eyes dug through me as if searching for answers for questions I've never been asked. Pulling subtle movements as replies to her little spies."
"Disappear in a cloud of smoke don't choke. It's life full of strife. All that fake all that break. All that mental shake. Take away this steak through my heart. Take away this garlic around your hug . It's fare this stare you glare with that you won't forgive or look past. Closed ears and drink more beers because this isn't being near. I get it . I've seen it, I've dreamt it , I've lived it, I hate it. Why is it? But it is..... Always"
"Slowly I disappear as if i never existed,
never created.
i disappear from the lack of fight.
you push me down and make me hide.
i don't know how to return to what i once was.
i just wait for you to make the decision.
you don't understand that your actions alter mine.
i wait.
I cannot be the one with hate.
for that maybe the the reason you have been here for so long no matter what you have done.
if you truely knew how to be a friend maybe it didn't have to be the end."
"lonely is this heart that yearns for its blood. pump pump but its done done. Kalima! take my life out like a flood."
"I might be a bitch but your a mega bitch and that is worse because i put mega in it. haha dun dun dun..... You are Godzilla wrecking everything in front of it. I am Mothra, bitches worship me" ~Mr. Bobby
"why do mexicans love KORN? mmmmmm....... corn......" ~Mr. Bobby
"Tank = Fish Sticks" ~Mr. Bobby
"I dreamt of snow and deader things.
No leaves no greens of none i see.
colors only dull and drear.
of mysteries none here nor there.
I search for queens and fallen kings,
but empty seats are left for me.
An end to this are none i fear,
just miles of empty room to stare."
~Mr. Bobby
"your pictures drop knives down my throat cutting my heart in two" ~Mr. Bobby
"start living in your own filth and you will know how low you have gone" ~Mr. Bobby
"you can read the title and never know the story" ~Mr. Bobby
"Friendship life savers spill into open mouth sea. Chomp, chomp. Bites bites" ~Mr. Bobby
"Life smashes your face into concrete truths. Bleed for me bitch bleed for me" ~Mr. Bobby
"i'm like a empty battery i need to be recharged with positive energy" ~Mr. Bobby
"Revolving shouts repeating stains. Internal bouts impeding gains" ~Mr. Bobby
" lets spit out our emotional discharge! Fuck bars and walls we build to sound sane. Destroy to create our selves and present truths." ~Mr. Bobby
"live what you love, love what you live" ~Mr. Bobby
"i fight my inner most feelings with feather swords and non-existent shields. stay away heart beast! your flames will not reach me. I am strong. I've beat you down over and over. I will not give up!" ~Mr. Bobby
"so near to the edge i just might break. there's no mistake I've had all i can take. tick tock sick of this shock. never knew this much hate but now its way to late." ~Mr. Bobby
"why do ghosts haunt with chains of love" ~Mr. Bobby
"you put my heart into a snoopy waffle maker" ~Mr. Bobby
"i break down. i let walls fall. where did i place that brick. where did all the cement go. your supposed to see this billboard child but instead you see beyond. they call me bob the builder because i'm always building this wall every time it falls :(" ~Mr. Bobby
"q: what does the cashier say to the baldman. a: you have topay" ~Mr. Bobby
"you were a momentary brain cork but now dislodged the aged wine pores. gushing all those perfect moments while leaving the regret stuck to the bottom of my bottle. perhaps cutting off the crust would empty me/bottle for new (sparkling wine) lol ~Mr. Bobby
"I've donated years of clothes and books that occupied my residence with no remorse. they may have deserved a spiritual burning but never waste what can be used by those who are lost and naked. Their absence leave fields of open space ready for beautiful ideas, inspirational people, creative moments in time, and a numerous possibilities of adventures and stories that stay in this camp. all this yearning for goals reached and explosion of being can finally be accomplished. No more i want, i wish, i need, i loved, i was, i could have; I will now or I am fake to myself."
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The Real Blog Begins.
Wednesday September 13th.
fuck i'm not doing ok. i keep falling apart everywhere crying. especially when its some tupid little thing my friends and i did all the time like go to the gas station or go grocery shopping together. I really don't know how long this one is going to take to heal. I really really loved this person but she has too much hurt inside of her to let anyone love her correctly. I want to say so much but i think i'm gonna have to sit down with a psychologist. this is finally just too much. i don't want medication. i want to talk about it and evolve not stay the same. i'm hurting so bad i can't even move sometimes in bed for days, I just started playing starship and it's helping me at least do something but even then I'm playing tooo much. this person was my best friend i really thought they were going to stay in it for a really long time. but honestly, these POS people fucked her up. others kept hurting her and it kept making her bleed emotionally on me. I'm fucked up rn. i can't do anything. i can't stop crying everywhere. i don't want to trauma bond with anyone even if I am interested in anyone. or if i can even accept anyone anymore at this point. my heart hurts tooo fucking much rn. but at the same time, I'm so hurt I want anyone to just cuddle me and tell me it's gonna be ok. cuz I'm not ok. i tried to help them so much. I tried so hard. I gave up so much of myself, my life, and my career to help them. and then to have them post shit like that about me after doing so much after loving so hard. I'm fucked up in the head rn I don't even know what to believe. I'm so fucked up right now the old me would have been getting fucked up and going out all the time but I don't want that to be me. i gave up drinking for 3 years to get that power back. i know I started drinking and drowning my problems again but it was too much for me. again I kept sacrificing myself in so many ways to help them. fuck im' not ok!!!!!! I don't know what to do. I'm even going to the gym hoping the endorphins will start to make me feel better but it's not doing shit. I'm even getting too sad to even stay there and work out cuz I'm afraid I'll start to cry on the treadmill or something. fuck I'm not ok. How can I love someone and want them to be better to themselves after all the shit they've done. why? why? because I fucking see who they truly are. I see their heart. I see their soul. I see their passion and their want to be better but fucking POS people keep fucking her up again and making it impossible for her to love her anymore. I look at stupid security cameras to protect myself just in case the way she has been acting and i see all the moments we are cuddling and having so much fun but then having to relive all those fights and arguments and me just reliving all those horrible moments.... fuck fuck fuck I'm not ok. I don't know what to do.... except keep playing "Starfield" and taking breaks for crying cuz I think of something about my ex-best friend again or maybe friend again in months or years? I don't know...
Thursday June 3rd
I seriously do not understand girls. i was honestly trying to be friends with a girl who looked and seemed like she had a lot in common. of course, i was attracted to her. so she does actually hang out with me and confused the fuck out of me cuz she makes a joke about moving in with me i look at her and think that is kinda weird straight forward joke, later she makes a joke about sushi being heaven on her lap and then jokes that i am heaven too, so I'm thinking she was liking me. i'm really surprised that its going well that i just am happy as fuck. at one point in the day we are on the floor cuddling and she ends up kissing me, when i take her home we are holding hands just talking. in my head i thought all that was great and i was super excited because its been a while since anyone has shown me that much affectioin or showed that they were attracted. when i drop her off she mask side kisses my mask. I haven't had a night go that well in so long i thought she actually likes me. the next day she messages me about how she isn't looking for anything starts making everything confusing. i hit on her and she asks is this going to be a thing? what do you mean? do you not want it to be a thing? she explains how she isn't looking for anything and i'm completely right there with her. like lets just have fun see where it goes. she says she doesn't know if she ever will be. i'm fine with that cuz i'm not looking for a relationship. i sneak in a way of hitting on her and then i call myself out on it and say i just hit on her again and thats when i realized she didn't want me to so i stopped. i responded i'm not trying to make her feel uncomfortable and she responds she isn't uncomfortable so I'm thinking she is ok and does actually want me to hit on her but way then it turns out she doesn't. but after the day we spent before that how was i supposed to feel and think. i tell her i won't hit on her anymore and just continue normal getting to know conversations after. little things in common i want to build on. then she kinda stops responding to me and i don't know what i did wrong. a week or so passes and then i decide to message her because she seems really depressed and i felt maybe i could help if she would just like let me know what i could do. she then turns it to being mad at me for a few things and i take fault for them but they weren't malicious or anything. one was her anger towards friends excited and happy i was talking to a girl and the other was for the hitting on her. I was honest and said yes i'm attracted to her but i wasn't trying to start anything. in my eyes she started the whole thing and i thought i was reciprocating. then she said i am the type of person to preach positivity because i lack it in myself. a social front. i do lack it yes but i do preach it because its true and works. its all about thinking, speaking, and doing positive things. it makes your life in turn positive. but her attacking my character really hurt. I know who I am and what I've done in my life to get to the point that i am in at right now. i may not be perfect and i never preach to be perfect. every day its a new day and some days are better than others. some are great and magical and some are rough like these past few days since she went off on me. i am an empath and i take in everything really deeply. i hit on her because i thought she liked me after the kind of day and night we had together. after she made it clear that she wasn't into it. confusingly actually then i stopped. but once those boundaries were understood i stopped and proceeded to just getting to know her. I didn't continue to say things after the first conversation and calling myself out. after that i understood and i respected it. She actually made me cry... i haven't cried cuz of a girl in i don't know how long. the whole time i was trying to be helpful and understand why she stopped talking to me. I honestly think i should just stop trying forever to talk to anyone. i wouldn't have even tried if she didn't act the way she did when we hung out. how was i not supposed to be confused. it just feels like talking to her is too difficult and she clearly stated that she doesn't want to talk to me now so i'm just going to leave her alone. but this just makes me hate myself after i've made so much fucking progress not hating myself anymore. i was just trying to be a friend after i saw she was depressed posting. i thought maybe i could help her just by talking and listening but now she hates me. my friend said i should have seen all the red flags and just stopped talking to her a while ago. I hate me. i thought life and things were getting better. life is just so fucking confusing it makes me want to hide away. profesional ghost. i have to finish that song. write the lyrics to it. i think ultimately she gave me the fluid to my ideas i may have been struggling with again because i was happy cuz i thought a hot girl liked me.
February 20th 2021
its been a crazy fucking life. I don't even know what i'm doing lately. i tried working for uber but they won't take my documents. its annoying. i am going to have to end up going to the dmv which i think would take long. and all of them are closed except one on the north side. i guess i just have to do what i have to do. i need better money than door dash or postmates. lets see. i'm not sure where i am romantically anymore. i still love the same damn person but i can't have her or make her want to at least be closer friends with me so i'll support her and let her be. I've been trying to start things with other people but i don't know what is wrong with me. I just my attraction or affection towards anyone is gone! like i can't make myself like anyone. i was interested in a few people but i'm just forcing it. i'm forcing something just so i'm not alone. but then i just push everyone away cuz they don't give me that spark that H used too. I know i shouldn't compare. I wish i could be like lucien and just fuck anyone.. lol. i need to focus and just keep learning how to work on music and save old stuff. i have to focus again. tia being who she is completely descouraged me cuz she asked me if she could make something with me but then put down what i had barely started. like literally still had so many ideas but then her saying what she said made me loose inspiration. I honestly just need to stay away from working with people and just work on stuff alone. especially people like her who hates and gets all pissy over music she isn't into. like really looses her shit. i'm surprised she held back with my song i just barely started. probably another reason i feel like kinda pushing everyone away again. so i can focus. i know i'm not going to make the best music but i just want to cry my words on my songs. you know what i mean? over and over i come to terms with me being single for the rest of my life. its just how it is. i give up again. i accept it. its ok. its fine.
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date??
this past is in the past. forgive and let go.
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date??
this past is in the past. forgive and let go.
